I was at my wits end yesterday.....
It's actually nothing big, just yesterday I didn't control my own emotion, I ended up feeling upset.
Everyday, I try my best to juggle everything between my responsibilities both at work and at home.
Setiap kali balik keje,walaupun penat, I try to have a home-cooked meal for dinner, jenguk dan siram my pokok2, , get the kids solat together, helping them with their homeworks, dealing with their tantrums, whinings without me being mad and shouting, at the same time managing the endless house chores - laundry, sweeping, ironing....ahhhh, the list would go on and on.
And the same time, telling myself not to be stressful, do it for Allah, do it out of love.
Sometimes it works well, no matter how much I have to do, I guess I'm not that stressful.
But sometimes, like yesterday I just snapped.
It started when I found out one of twins spilled yogurt drink in my car. They were with cik HB who drove them home from sekolah agama. You know how smelly it would be if yogurt drink spilled inside the car!
I told cik HB, don't ever buy them again any sugary drink and drinking it inside my car. I've had enough with all the rubbish, shoes, books, toys, you-name-it stuffs being left in my car all the time.
And now nak mengadap bau air yogurt pulak.....huhuhu
Father and daughter did the clean-up la yesterday. Yang itu I was still ok walaupun geram.
Then, after I'm done with cooking and dah masuk Maghrib, I just served the foods first lepas tu ajak the twins to solat. Normally we eat before waktu Maghrib masuk tapi semalam with all the hassles, tak sempat la nak makan before Maghrib.
After solat the twins came down first, then tiba2 dengar bunyi "pranggggggg".
Sesuatu dah pecah!
The same twin who spilled yogurt drink pecahkan pulak my favourite mug! (The mug I bought in Germany years ago, sepatutnya ada twin dia jugak but that one pon dah lama pecah...huhuhu).
I snapped inside. Tapi tak kuasa nak jerit2 marah2. The twins dah kelam kabut mencari penyapu dan kutip kaca yg pecah. Yang sorang tu ckp yg the other one kelam-kabut angkat penutup saji so dah langgar mug yg duduk tepi tudung saji tu.
Rasa cam really energy drained out tgk the mess. I said I don't want to eat anymore, you girls makan la sendiri, sbb semuanya dah dihidangkan.
Then I pegi duduk depan TV. Yang tukang pecah mug tu dah mula kalut dan tarik2 me ajak makan. I said no, don't talk to me, pegi makan sendiri. Dia dah mula menangis. Kebetulan pulak Cik HB pulak masa tu dah keluar gi main badminton so he was safe from dealing with the drama...huhuhu. The-girl-who-broke-the-mug-and-spilled the-yogurt (mak aii, panjangnya la...tp I don't want to name her...hehehe) kept pulling my hand and hugged me eventhough I kept saying 'jangan duduk dekat umi, pegi sana'
I actually just wanted to give myself a space, sbb mmg marah and I didn't want to spank or shout at her. And I wanted to give time-out to her sebagai denda jugak.
Tapi she is the type yg persistent and dominant. She just won't listen and kept pestering me, leaning on me and when I started raised my voice, dia menangis lagi kuat!
Adoiii....dah nak masuk 9 thn tau!
The other one pasrah je makan sorang2....sikit pon x ckp apa2 walaupun I know she was upset that we didn't sit down together for dinner, because we always eat dinner together. Dan dia pon tolong nasihatkan The-girl-who-broke-the-mug-and-spilled the-yogurt to just obey dgn ucapan tambahan "supaya Umi x bertambah marah"
So for one hour I ignored the-girl-who-broke-the-mug-and-spilled-the-yogurt, but deep inside saya berperang dengan diri sendiri, asking myself "am I doing the right thing?" and "why I am so angry with her?"
Made me asking myself too "what kind of mother I am?"
The-girl-who-broke-the-mug-and-spilled the-yogurt, however sikit pon x lari merajuk tp bersusah payah memujuk saya walaupun I felt it was very annoying sbb dia memujuk dengan whinings yg x berenti "umi, umi".
Lepas tu when I helped the other one with her homeworks, The-girl-who-broke-the-mug-and-spilled the-yogurt pon dtg sua buku dia minta tolong.
Of course la x sampai hati, then I helped her out. Lepas tu baru dia hulur tangan minta maaf and hugged me tightly. Dia mmg jenis manja and clingy.
So pagi ni saya muhasabah diri.....I guess, me as a mother kena banyak2 bersabar dan berdoa pada Allah supaya mampu mendidik dia dgn akhlak yg baik.
I know, a good mother won't snapped easily over her kids' unpleasant behaviour. And I also know buruk baik perangai anak kita, adalah dtg dari sikap ibu-bapanya juga. I don't want to label my kids as such and such because it said labelling our kids would give bad impact to their personality (but I just did that, huh?).
And I guess when I snapped yesterday, not just solely because of her, it's me too...maybe I was tired, I was upset with something so little, yet so mind-bothering, so with what she did, it was a good combination for an emotional eruption.
I wish I am more patient and strong to deal with everyday's life challenges.
Furthermore, what is there to be upset and complain about? I have a wonderful life actually, I have a good husband, healthy and beautiful kids, we have paid jobs to pay for everything we need.
Bayangkan mereka2 di Palestin dan Syria tu? Can you imagine being in their shoes?
So take a deep breath and be grateful ya!
Tapi semalam ada la jugak perasaan begini....hehehe
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